The most famous midget in baseball since Eddie Gaedel, Tim Kurkjian has overcome much to make a career in our national pastime. But don’t be fooled by his accomplishments, the man is a legit 4’9″, a lawn gnome come to life, and the perfect guest for a Paragon One Question Interview. After Dave Campbell’s revelation in the last 1QI, I couldn’t help but return to the closet for Mr. Kurkjian’s question. His response reflected his stature– it was obvious he was not blessed with Mr. Campbell’s physical gifts, and it seems he’s more than just a little bit bitter about it. So on to the Interview– you can access the entire chat at: http://dynamic.espn.go.com/espn/chat/chatESPN?event_id=451

Paragon (Princeton): I asked this of Dave Campbell in his chat, so now I’ll ask you: I collect videotapes of ESPN personalities wearing dresses. I have Karl Ravech and Peter Gammons, and I’m still holding out hope for Campbell. Any chance you’ll join them in drag?

Tim Kurkjian: I have never been asked to be in an ESPN commercial. And I’m not sure I ever will. I don’t look too good in mens clothes, I think I would look indescribeably stupid in a dress!

However, beyond everything else, the highlight of my All Star experience was the pregame ceremony.  It featured almost every Hall of Famer on the field.  Mays, Aaron, Yogi, Bob Gibson, Whitey Ford, etc. were all there to bask in the glow.  Every MLB team was represented by the finest player in its history.  Well, every team, except one– the Red Sox!  How could the defending World Champions, one of the most storied teams throughout the history of Major League Baseball, not be represented by any Hall of Famers?  I could not stop wondering, where were the finest Red Sox on this day of days?

And then, while enjoying a spoonful of Dippin’ Dots, I remembered . . .

Rest in pieces, Ted!

Dear China (I am addressing you in total, as a country, in addition to all things “Made in China” and the entire cast of “China Beach”.  I do not discriminate):

So I was enjoying a leisurely afternoon, watching The Two Coreys (which I heartily recommend.  I watch it with the sound off, just so I can fully enjoy Haim’s facial ticks.  Absolutely riveting) marathon, when I received an alarm signal on my Leprosy Hotline.  Yes, I have Leprosy Hotline.  Why do I have a Leprosy Hotline?  Because I am The Paragon of Excellence, damnit!  There are few people sauntering this Earth who have done more for Lepers than I have.  For those of you who didn’t tolerate the ‘90s, I held the Leperthon in 1997—a 3 hour benefit for charity.  I brought such luminaries as Edith Bunker, Jeffrey Dahmer and Paul together in order to raise much needed body parts for my gooey brethren.  As far as giving a helping hand to the lepers, there’s Mother Teresa, there’s The Paragon of Excellence, and there’s Cricket Champion Steven Waugh.  All lepers know, united we stand, divided we curdle.

So you can imagine how disturbed I was when an anonymous tip on the Leprosy Hotline brought me to this USA Today blurb—in case you’re illegiterate, I’ll read it you the main part:  “Kyodo News reports that Beijing plans to bar foreigners with certain medical conditions from entering the country during the Olympic games. The Japanese news organization says Beijing’s list includes: yellow fever, cholera, venereal disease, leprosy, infectious pulmonary tuberculosis and AIDS. ‘Those with symptoms of fever, diarrhea, vomiting or rashes must declare this information accurately,’ the organizing committee says on its website.”

I am shocked that diarrhea won’t be allowed at the games, especially since it was an Olympic event back in ’48.  I am upset that those with yellow fever will not be in attendance, to the point that I will avoid a very obvious yellow fever in China joke (you’re welcome).  And I don’t quite understand how you could not allow cholera—how will you keep the Olympic pools clean?

Never mind that.  Beyond all indignation and insult inspired by your petty rules, I am most offended by your barring of lepers from the Olympic games.  This is an error of Biblical proportions.  My bubbly friends have been shunned long enough.  You reject the lepers?  China, I reject you.

You read that right.  I reject China.  I reject the nation.I reject Mao.

 I reject Yao. I reject those silly hats.I reject really good ping pong players. 

I reject really bad food.  I reject fine China.  I reject not-so-fine China.  I reject Chynna Phillips.  

I reject that manish woman wrestler Chyna. 

I reject failed action hero of questionable hotness China O’Brien.

Actually, she looks pretty good compared to the wrestler.  You get the idea.  Or maybe you don’t.  I don’t care—you are rejected.  The Lepers do not need your country, or your Olympics.  Hell, I’m ready to hold my own Leperlympics.  Have you ever seen a leper pole vault?  Just put a fly in the microwave, you’ll get the idea.  Bastards.

I’m dining on Panda right now,

The Paragon of Excellence