Much like sushi and chest hair, there is no middle ground with American Idol– either you love it or you hate it. Not even this year’s election can compare in terms of the passion it elicits in the audience. I think Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul’s pharmacist and Randy Jackson’s High school English teacher deserve tremendous credit for developing such a combustible formula. And to have a host as astoundingly average as Ryan Seacrest (the Saturn SUV of television personalities) orchestrate the festivities is a stroke of brilliance. Or maybe just a stroke. Seriously, if you take Carson Daly and afflict him with Dick Clark’s stroke, you get Ryan Seacrest.
Anyway, as you can tell, I love to hate American Idol. Therefore, it’s only fitting that I give backhanded compliments to the final four contestants.
Jason Castro– I think it’s a good thing that Castro got eliminated this week. He has an excellent career in gay porn ahead of him and any further warbling could only drag him down at this point. His rendition of Mr. Tambourine Man emphasized Bob Dylan’s most notable trait– his incoherence. Thank you Jason for giving me an entirely new appreciation for William Shatner’s cover of the song. Good luck in your new career– you’ll make for a great power bottom.
Syesha Mercado– It doesn’t matter to me where you finish, Syesha– After listening to your interviews it is clear that your accomplishments should be a beacon for the mentally challenged everywhere. This week featured a great homage to Tina Turner, but your interpretation of the song gave us an idea of what Tina would’ve sounded like if Ike’s beatings left her brain damaged. Very eye opening!
David Cook– Not only has he made the ”comb-over” the Rachel-do of the new millennium, Cook also has superpowers. He can transform any song whatsoever into an emotionally exhausing power ballad– what a talent! If I ever attend a prom in hell (I think there are exceptionally good odds of this), I hope David Cook is leading the band.
David Archuleta– It used to be that homeschooling was reserved for Spelling Bee Champions and Serial Killers– not anymore! David Archuleta has proven that been raised without any social interaction whatsoever is not just for veal, it can in fact raise an Idol favorite. While I’ve been hoping all season for it to be revealed that you’re actually 37 years old, your victory will be a conquest for claymates worldwide. Forget the Clintons taking back the White House, Clay Aiken is taking back American Idol!
Best of luck to all contestants– thank you for keeping me from hating Dancing With the Stars!
Posted by theparagonofexcellence 
